Sometimes, I want to fill my bathtub with blood. I want to call Gillette on the phone, and order a brand new shiny, glittering razor blade; extra sharp! I want to gash my own wrists …..staining the walls like some gruesome medieval painting. Obviously, I awoke this morning, feeling lethal; like I was made of old leather, steel cables and some strange new metal. My colossal engine of self-destruction was hammering; throbbing, in my temples. I was thinking about love & relationships…believe it or not! I looked outside & the streetlights felt cold & distant. They gave light but little else. The shadows between them, made it feel that much more sinster. Dark clouds shoved their way past the grey hills to the east. The sky flew by on wings of its own.
I felt almost vacant this morning. Abandoned, like a rusty old tavern sign. A Porcupine Tree CD plays softly in the background. He sings, “I’m finding it hard, to hang on a star…” Love. I scoffed under my breath. Like the great French poet- Arthur Rimbaud wrote…“Love needs to be reinvented.” I have seen little in life, that makes me think , such a thing as love exists. We are all here on this earth searching for it, I know. But, I don’t think it truly exists. Its like finding an ‘innocent’ Nazi, or someone who honestly believes OJ Simpson didn’t kill that poor woman. They don’t exist in the real world, people! But, back to the existence of ‘love’.
I understand that there are naysayers & the religious out there, that will argue this point-ad nauseum. With the exception of parents & their children…Love really seldom exists. There is simply, use & misuse. Little else. The love I see around me is conditional. “You do this for me, I reciprocate.” Relationships end up with two people pointing weapons at each other…monetary or sexual. Remember, I’m not judging. I’m just saying! I knew a girl during this past year. She claimed ‘love’, and the deeper mysteries of life, moving within her. When she didn’t get her way, she went out & indulged in that ever-ready panacea for all problems; alcohol. She hooked up with some scum bag & I kicked her to the curb—eventually. In hindsight, it seems I did her a favor. The curb was a step ‘Up’ for her.
There are those of you out there, who think this might be overly harsh. Fine. Think what you will. However, when I worked in Hospice & dealt with dying people all the time, I noticed a few things. The main thing I noticed was this. The MOST important things in life–often– go unsaid. People never get called to account for their bad behaviors. They blast through life, selfishly hurting others & never hear about it. I know! I have done it myself. Someone finally illuminated my world, with cold, naked truth & I saw myself for the loathsome, selfish creature that I am. But, I try to change myself everyday.
I am a work in progress, I suppose. You may have found ‘love’ in your life & I will gladly relay my happiness at your good fortune. I just don’t think its real. Krishnamurti & Gandhi said that “Love doesn’t obey”. Hmmm ….Does that mean that, love just ‘is’? Maybe not. I think I will keep doubting. I am confined to a self-imposed isolation cell. At least, until the next ‘cupcake’ comes around….HeHeHe . Go skate & love (if you can), until your heart overflows. Just buy some booze & Kleenex. You’ll need both. -Ozzie